Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
