party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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