doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
