Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
