There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
