we have officially lost it.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize