She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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