i need an iv and a liver transplant
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
