sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
