i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
