The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sober January is a disaster.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
