Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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