chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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