Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize