hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize