Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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