I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
