oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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