Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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