How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She even gives head with a lisp.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
