she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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