dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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