my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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