No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
