I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
