you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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