Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
