Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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