I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
