I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
