I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
