DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Text me some of your sweat
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
