Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
