I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if only i could text you this smell
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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