there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
