We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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