There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
