How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
