I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
being pregnant is like rehab
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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