Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
