Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
