I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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