I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
