Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
