did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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