tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
