2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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