I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
