i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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