Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
