I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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