I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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