Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
