i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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