it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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