Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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