Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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